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| Allowing my heart to accept reality..... My mind lingers in the distance What was and could have been but never what is. The only way i know to escape reality Lies lies and more lies. When will i be ready for the truth? When will my heart be whole in order to break again.... Pain from birth to death i cannot escape No hero, no heroine just me. | | |
| You would think that the contents of the next few lines in this here my blog would have been spirred after a major epiphany, encounter with God or one's self but interesting enough nothing of the sort happened. Did I have to dig deep inside me to know this about myself? no i didn't. I had to take no time off to relax and think, i needed no time alone to gather myself together and ask myself serious questions and neither did i require the advice of the old but rather it just all came to me. Whether it was whiles i was watching television, combing my hair, cooking, taking a shower, playing with the kids in my neighbourhood, hanging with my own family or girlfriends, rising early in the morning and wishing i seriously did not have to get out of bed so early or whiles i was watching the rain fall, however and whenever it happened it did and i am no longer the same. Their is no better way to say it but to say that, "I'm ready". It's been a while and i needed the time away to cry, heal, rise, be angry, independent, strong, courageous, self motivated, inspirational, talented, the best that i can be, i needed time away to be restored. Never did i set a time limit and i didn't even realise that what i was unconsciously doing was taking time off to be restored. It's a challenge after being hurt by someone that you were in love with to lift your heart and soul out of a place that was filled with hope and dreams but has been replaced with hate, anger and disappointment. Yet in the midst of all of this i some how found the strength to forgive but never to forget, as some life lessons are their to be learnt and you can only learn if you never forget the lesson. At this era in my life i find that "i'm ready". I'm ready to laugh at his jokes, I'm ready to laugh at him when his jokes aren't funny at all, I'm ready to hold his hand in mine, i'm ready to be able to trace the very outline of his face on paper even with my eyes closed, I'm ready to doodle his name over and over, I'm ready to practise signing my name with his surname just for the fun of it, I'm ready to find myself smiling to myself because i remember something he said or did that made my heart melt, I'm ready to have him trace the outlines of my body with his fingers, I'm ready to kiss him having our world stop because we seize the moment, i'm ready to make love with him with a passion that cannot be replaced or mistaken, i'm ready to wake in the morning and roll over and he's next to me and we make love again, I'm ready to have pillow fights, I'm ready to go for a walk and then sit and gaze at the beauty of the stars and sky together, I'm ready to spend long hours on the telephone only to hang up and have to call right back just because i miss him, I'm ready to go on a picnic together, I'm ready to go on vacation together to a place where we know no one and it's an adventure for the both of us, I'm ready to go hiking with him and show my competitive side as i must win, I'm ready to run my fingers through his hair time and again only to realise that it put him to sleep, I'm ready to run my fingers along his back, I'm ready to give him a full body massage he'll never forget, I'm ready to have a food fight, I'm ready to have him laugh at my cooking whiles i get upset because i know i am not a chef, I'm ready to have my nieces and nephews call him uncle all because he's with their aunt, I'm ready to send him cards expressing my love even if it's not a special occasion, I'm ready to argue about tideness, I'm ready to be independent enough to recognize that i no longer need to be, because i'm confident that he can take care of me, I'm ready to show my tender side, I'm ready to have lunch together, I'm ready to have him bring me breakfast in bed, I'm ready to have him cook dinner for me, I'm ready to have him meet my friends, I'm ready to share childhood stories with him, I'm ready to share my pass both good and bad with him, I'm ready to have him affirm me time and again, I'm ready to to be restored, I'm ready to be "In love", I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready....... | | |
| I hate pressure.....I hate it when people want me to be someone i'm not, I hate being the "PERFECT' example because i'm not, I hate feeling as if I have to live up to other people's expectations, I hate feeling as if I don't belong just because I share a different view, I hate it when folks make me feel bad just because i'm different, I hate being rediculed, I hate it when folks judge me, I hate being lied to, I hate the fact that I don't fit in, I hate the fact that i'm alone, I hate having to go through this phase in my life, I hate being confused and not knowing which way to turn, I hate making decisions that could end up ruining my life if i don't make the right one, I hate chasing after my dreams even when I can't see how on earth i'm going to make it come through, I hate loving someone that won't love me back, I hate being in love all by myself, I hate feeling lonely even when i'm surrounded by a sea of people, I hate wedding's because they just make me realise how pathetically alone i am and how much i crave to be in love with someone but it never happens, I hate missing my friends because I know they miss me too, I hate not having but always wanting, I hate not being able to find a job, I hate living here, I hate the fact that i am beautiful but only a few people take the time to really see where my beauty comes from, I hate the fact that i trusted him again, I hate wanting to love someone but never finding anyone, I hate feeling guilty, I hate being misunderstood, I hate not having anyone to confide in, I hate not having a friend, I hate the negative things that are said about me from my family even if it is a joke, I hate being made to feel less of a person all because i'm not rich, I hate not being able to give to my mom as i'd want to, I hate knowing that i love HIM but not being able to find the strength to say i do, I hate not being able to thank HIM for each new day all because of something someone did, I hate missing my Father and not being able to see him, I hate missing his hugs and kisses, I hate the fact that both my parents are worried about me, I hate not being able to say "I Love you", I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate......... | | |
| "I look at my environment and wonder where the fire went, what happened to everything we use to be? I hear so many cry for help searching outside outside of themselves..."
Lauryn Hill
From the Album the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
At the break of a new day i become more and more disappointed, angry, frustrated, hurt and just terribly upset with the young African men and women of whom have lost and continue to loose their identity because of the "Culture of the day". Some may say, "they never really knew or understood who they are or where they come from and this is why they are easily lead astray", but i beg to differ. Every person of African descent knows of the struggles our foreparents endured because its in our history books and we learn it at school and even if we don't remember dates or names we remember one thing and that is how we overcame.
I walk around and i see my African sistahs draped in pieces of clothing that should not be considered clothing in the first place. In the movie, "Madea's family Reunion", i remember these words, "Young black women you are more than your hips and your thighs", and i grief for those of whom have forgotten that they have more to offer the world.
My African brotherz though now have the opportunity to be present in the lives of their children seek not to, but rather to roam the streets from dust till dawn gambling, smoking, cursing, having sex with multiple women etc forgetting where they came from.
It's popular today to have sex on the first date (not that sex before marriage was not always a thing from times past but people no longer wait for years or even to be in love before engaging in such acts), to drink and get drunk, hit the club every weekend, to have women wear their asses outside (just so they could attract a brother), smoking marijuana is the in thing, being apart of a gang is cool, carrying a gun gives you status, but using that gun to injure or kill someone makes you a "Hard Man",(what the f.....). Getting pregnant just out of High School is all the qualification you need to say that you've made it or better yet that you're no longer a kid, not having respect for your elders, children fighting as grown men and women, big men preying on young girls, 14yr olds pregnant for 40yr old men, this just makes me sick.Whatever happened to being proud of our heritage? So proud that we refuse to let our fore-parents down by engaging in such acts.
Why can't my African brotherz encourage us your African Sistahs to be mother's, daughters, sistahs and positive role-models in Society today. African men encourage us to wear more clothing, to take pride in ourselves, to value our sexuality, to get an education and emancipate ourselves from the mental slavery that we are still bound by and finally to be women of Purpose, Passion and Pride.
To my African Sistah's let's encourage our African Brotherz to take a stand. Encourage them from the cradle to respect and value their women and let us show them the respect they deserve. Encourage our men to be 'Fathers' and not just "baby daddies", to learn a trade and get a job and stop roaming the streets, to take pride in a woman who say's, "Wait i'm not ready", to be faithful in love and matters of the heart. Let us begin to lift our African brotherz up with our words and let us make them respect us because we respect ourselves and refuse to compromise who we are just so that we can have what we think we need and not what we truly want.
May the Most High bless us as he sees fit.
The Lovely Thula
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| "I rise and see another day it's beauty to behold
yet still i live the meaning of live and its purpose
to divinely withold".
Thula I.Chapman
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